Do you see what I see?

I’ve been pestering H to take a walk with me in Ateneo one night this December. With the Christmas lights dangling from the branches of the trees around Bel field, it’s just so pretty at this time of year. I guess I believed that seeing them would somehow revitalize my flagging Christmas spirits. On some level, it was probably some lame attempt to rekindle the schoolgirl kilig from a little over six years ago.

Before H and I got together and when I was just beginning to realize that I had feelings for him, we attended an event at the high school cov courts. I had to leave early, and he offered to walk me back to admin, where my car was. So there we were, walking by Bel field, talking and laughing about nothing in particular (I do remember teasing him about his being drunk). I guess the possibilities were racing through both our minds, though neither of us was ready to admit it. I desperately wanted him to hold my hand, but he just kept a polite distance. There was this uncertainty, this unsettled feeling in my stomach that was…surprisingly calming. It signaled that my heart was open again.

He finally agreed to take me last night. When we got there, the simba sa gabi had just started at Gesu; several cars were parked nearby, and food stalls were set up on one side of Bel field. We did a quick stroll and took some photos. I would have wanted to take a longer walk, but H didn’t read my mind, showing no interest in, er, recapturing the magic. As we passed by the food stalls, he bought me some bibingka. Then we headed back to the car.

At the start of the relationship, when everything was new and exciting, I was concerned about losing the kilig. We both knew that it was bound to happen—at least the kilig in the giddy, high school sense. But we were also eager to see what would take its place: We imagined that there would be comfort and security and the kind of peace that you get from knowing someone in a way no one else can, and from someone understanding you, if not completely, then at least better than anyone else ever could.

I didn’t get those butterflies in my stomach last night; there wasn’t that promise of something good that was about to happen. But I realized that the promise has already been fulfilled—by the man who drove all the way to Ateneo on a Sunday night (despite the fact that driving's the last thing he would want to do after a week's worth of December traffic) and walked around campus (despite the fact that he was wearing his new white sneakers), all because his girlfriend wanted to see some stupid lights.